CorporateLand: How to Kill it in Your Job Interview

Published 10/03/18 by VasiliyZaitzev [0 Comments]

CorporateLand: How to Kill it in Your Job Interview

TL;DR: A guy who interviews candidates tells you what he looks for in job interviews, and how not to fuck yours up. Based on the reaction to my last two "CorporateLand" threads, I thought this might be useful for RPMen navigating the interview process.

Related posts in the "CorporateLand" series you may find of interest:

CorporateLand: How to Handle Salary Negotiations.

CorporateLand: A Rat Race Survival Guide For New Rats

Introduction:

So here is my view from the “hire” side of the desk. What I will tell you will have general application, but I work in commodities, so for tech (as an example) somethings will be different, I’m sure. This, like all my articles and posts, is the product of my own, meandering experience and may be worth what you paid for it (free on the internet).

People get fucking weird in job interviews. And I mean interviewers. They ask weird ass fucking questions, posit bizarre scenarios and attach massive over-emphasis to things that they never would in the real world. I've never understood why. Probably I should have taken more psych classes.

What to do Before:

Tailor Your Resume to the Company Don’t overdo it, but tweak it here and there. That said, some people cannot cope with a resume that is not chronological. I have no idea why, but that’s the case.

Research the company. And do more than just go to our homepage. Listen to the last few earnings calls, and read the last few 10-Qs. I mean, don’t bother if you don’t really give a shit about the gig, but nobody does this, so when someone says, “I listened to the last earnings call, and I was impressed/blown away/scared shitless by…”

Research the Interviewer. Many folks are easily accessible online, such as at LinkedIn. That’s fair game. Don’t make it awkward by discussing what a big fan you are of their daughter’s Jr. High soccer team.

Best Days. If you have any input into the weekday chosen for your interview AVOID MONDAYS & FRIDAYS. Mondays everyone is busy as fuck. I have three standing meetings on Mondays. The last gawddam thing I want to do is interview someone. The problem is that HR sits around with their thumbs up their asses all day, every day, so they don’t think about that shit. I’m perfectly fine with Fridays, personally. I like to avoid afternoons, because I come into the office for interviews, and I hate the commute. Other people have checked out completely, so best to avoid. If you can pick a time, shoot for 10am or 2pm. We do all-day interviews, so no need to avoid lunches, because we’re either bringing it in, or taking you to lunch.

Clean up your social media. I don’t give a shit how you spend your free time, what your political views are (mostly; if you’re a freakazoid who can’t shut up about politics, I’m not going to like being around you), or that you pop bottles and get high on the weekend. I’m not going to go looking. You know who is? HR. And they’re petty little fucks.

What to do During:

Show up 15 minutes before, and be prepared.

Be polite to the receptionist. I am friendly with ours, and if you’re a dick to her, she’ll tell me.

Stay calm. Just like with women, think "Abundance Mentality". Maybe you get the gig, maybe you don't; take your best shot at it and it comes out how it comes out. Learn from the experience. I got out of school during a recession and I went on a shit ton of interviews. It got to the point where I was more relaxed and better prepared than basically every interviewer I met with.

It’s ok if you bring a leather portfolio. Don’t bring a briefcase. You haven’t earned it yet. Have at least 3 - 5 extra copies of your resume with you, as well as a few copies of your references sheet. I doubt anyone will ask, but if they do, you look smooth. Also, sometimes I get sent in to interview people I would not otherwise, and I might not have been given your stats.

Oh, and don’t have a stupid email address. “Huggy-Pooh(at)numbnuts.com” is just not a percentage move. And this seems obvious, but I’ve seen some weird ones. Again, I don’t judge, but HR does.

When we meet, shake my hand. Your handshake should be firm—but please, Jesus, God, DO NOT be one of those guys who feels like he has to try and crush my hand—and dry. It’s ok if you have to surreptitiously wipe your hand on your trousers first. I prefer that to a clammy handshake. Three pumps, no more, and then a clean release.

While this has mostly gone away, there used to be rules for shaking a lady’s hand, which I still observe.¹ I had one woman call me on this in an interview, and I explained my rationale, and she was fine with it. She was a lady lawyer, and I think her icy, black heart actually warmed up, slightly. Still frozen of course, but moved off of zero, Kelvin.

It’s totally ok that you wore a suit. I will be in jeans and a polo, and loafers without socks. On a Monday.² If you express discomfort about it, I will tell you it’s ok to take your suitcoat off, if you want. It’s not a trap; I don’t really give a shit whether you do or not. I’m not inherently a mean guy and a lot of folks are nervous in interviews and I prefer them calm. I also like to put people at ease, so they think “Hey, this guy’s cool! I can tell him anything!” and then either (a) show me they are cool, too (win!) or (b) fuck up by telling me shit they shouldn’t, so I can ding them and not waste my time or theirs.

Try and maintain good eye contact. Not the no-blinking, “yes, I’m a total coke fiend kind” but the normal, good kind. While I do not overtly look for your body language, it will register, subconsciously.

Only accept my offer of water or coffee or whatever if you can drink it without shaking like you have cerebral palsy. Unless you actually have cerebral palsy. Then it’s ok. If you have to use the can, that’s ok, too, but try to do that beforehand. If you’re in an all-day interview, the best time is either at lunch or in between interview sessions. Unless you have explosive diarrhea, in which case I will totally understand, and I will be your blocking back on the way to the restroom, if only so I will be in front of you, and not behind.

We are going to start by talking about what I want to talk about, which is you. I always lead with “Tell me about yourself” because people have no filters these days and they will say stuff they shouldn’t.

Some other tips:

Be honest. If you lie, I will figure it out, and it will sink you, even if we otherwise would have hired you.

Be Concise. I’m on the right side of the desk to tell long stories, where I seem to lose the point, but then tie it all up with an nice bow on top at the end. You’re not. Don’t be abrupt, but don’t make me lose the plot and have to go hunting for it.

Have examples. If you tell me you’re awesome, I will want you to prove it. If I ask you to walk me through your resume, be able to do it and also tell me some things/skills/anecdotes that aren’t on your resume, but are relevant.

Show me that you are employable. One of the best ways you can do that is to tell me how you would go about doing the job that you are interviewing for. It’s rare that a candidate does this. Usually they’re more passive. When you’re more experienced, you can lay this Awesomeness Grenade down: “Let me tell you how I would do this job. I’ve done [all/part/something similar to] it before. My skills are portable.” If you get it right, it’s a total win. Remember, though, people get massive OCD about shit people say in interviews, so you may need to couch it terms of ascertaining the firm’s risk tolerances/corporate culture.

What to do After:

Unclench. It’s over. You can relax now. Right after you send a “thank you” letter to everyone you interviewed with. You can print them up, but try to change the middle paragraph at least.

Para 1: “Thank you for the opportunity to interview with Spacely Sprockets/Perfect Booty Gentleman’s Club/The Strike and Spare….”

Para 2: “I enjoyed our discussion of the aerodynamic nature of Sophia Vergara’s tits.”

Para 3: “I think I can be an asset to your firm because….”

Questions: Like Guns, They Should Be Treated Like They’re Loaded

Tell me about yourself. As I noted, I will ask this as an opener because people offer up info they wouldn’t otherwise. I also do this if I’m coming into the interview cold, which sometimes happens.

What do you know about our company? I don’t really give a shit what you know about our company. This is the equivalent of a shit-test. It’s not even difficult. Just visit the fucking website. That said, if you haven’t, I know to ding you because you’re either stupid or lazy. Research Earnings Calls, Quarterly Reports and Blog Posts. That will impress the hell out of me.

Why should I hire you? Being able to count off a bunch of reasons with relevant examples is a fucking homerun. [See discussion further down]

Tell me a joke. This is a curveball question, designed to see how you handle weirdness, apparently. I was asked this once, and I happened to come up with one off the top of my head and it worked out fine. I wouldn’t do it to a candidate, but some people will, particularly old guys who think they’re way funnier than they actually are.

Do you want the job? This is another “old guy” question. They’re trying to see if you will betray a lack of commitment by equivocating.

Tell me about how you manage projects/time Maybe you have a better way to do it than I do. I keep a worklist. I used to have a whiteboard and it would go up on that, and later I just kept a file on my PC. Just show me you can manage time and you’re not a fuckhead.

For “Problem Solving” Questions, Think Out Loud. This sort of ‘left field’ question (“Fermi problems”) sometimes comes up. “How many dogs are there in the United States?” Who the fuck knows? And how is it relevant? But rather than thinking for 45 seconds and blurting out an answer, say something like, “Well the population is ~300 million, and let’s assume 3 people per household on average. That’s 100 million households and let’s assume that 40% of those households have dogs. So there’s 40 million dogs. But some dog owners have more than one dog, so let’s say 1.8 dogs per household, which gives a figure of 72 million dogs.” I never ask these types of questions but sometimes you get them.

What is your biggest weakness Come the fuck on! Do people actually ask this question anymore? And whatever you say, don’t say “I’m a perfectionist.” I would ding you for that. If you use that *“honesty” ³ joke that’s been floating around recently, I would at least respect you way more. “Redheads” would also be acceptable, but dangerous. So how to answer? Well, lead with a strength, then discuss a weakness. For example, I’m a deal guy. I am good at building rapport, and very good at getting people to do what I want them to do in negotiations. You know what I suck at? Regulatory bullshit. I would rather watch old people fuck, or stay at home chewing aluminum foil and learning about the metric system. So here’s what I say: “I’m a deal guy. I’m very good at getting to agreements. I need to improve on the regulatory side of things. I view the opportunity here as a chance to do just that because…” I can say this, and make it sound believable, because it’s true. And everywhere I would ever possibly work is going to have a Compliance Department, so all I have to do is be smart enough to spot an issue, and walk it over to them.

Incidentally, the Compliance folks where I work love me b/c I set the land-speed record for reporting reportable shit to them.⁴ Not because I give a shit, b/c a lot of regs are total bullshit, but b/c I want it to be Not My Problem. Sue me. [In actuality, I’m not really quite that lazy, and I used to know a lot about the FCPA and the UK Bribery Act back when that was important to me. They’re both largely stupid and overreaching, but you know what? Violating them can get you jail time, and I’m allergic to prison, so I comply like a motherfucker and then go back to making deals. And don’t get me started on FATCA, which should be called “FUCKYA” b/c that’s what it’s about.]

Questions You Should Ask Me:

Why should you hire me? If I haven’t asked you this, this is a KILLER question for you to ask me. The more reasons you can count off on your fingers, the better I will like it. Done correctly, this is a show-stopper. I’ve had interviewers (when I was the candidate) tell me they dug this questions. The next one also.

What you will close with: “Based on our discussion today, is there anything about my candidacy that you perceive as a weakness? Is there anything I can provide a fuller discussion of?” Here’s why this question is awesome: either (a) there’s nothing they perceive as a weakness in which case they hear themselves say that, or (b) there is something, and you get to address it, and get your side of the story out. Q: “Tell me why you withdrew for two semesters.” A: “My father died and I had to go run the business for a year, just like Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. The board voted down Mr. Potter, but only if I stayed and ran the Building & Loan.”

Secrets of the Temple.

We will talk about you. If you show you are fucking weird in any attackable way—bad B.O., picked your nose in front of one of us, something else douchey—it will be discussed. So best behavior, and use your indoor voice.

Sometimes, I try to hire women. I really do. And not just the hot ones with big tits. And by “try” I mean on a ‘straight-up’ basis, but they manage to fuck-up the interviews at alarming rates. And when we find one we can make an offer to, they can’t make up their fucking minds. This happens no matter what. In one instance, the woman in question was, literally, the last person in her department at a company that had just filed for bankruptcy. Not only is the writing on the wall, it’s on the floor and the ceiling and it’s in LARGE FUCKING PRINT. She couldn’t’ put it together. /shrug

Another one actually had the temerity to ask us to keep the job open for her for six months. Six months? I understand if you’ve got a couple of other interviews you’re going on, but Six.Fucking.Months? Sorry, princess, we’re not going to hold the job for you while you shop for a better offer. Oh, and you know who is hardest on women candidates? Other women. As I mentioned in a different “CorporateLand” post, I had to drop into HR to pick up a copy of the interview schedule for a candidate and the HR chicks went off on the woman’s choice of shoes for the interview. Like I would possibly give a shit.

I Really Care About Two Things: First, can you do the fucking job, or am I going to have to continuously correct your stupid mistakes? Second, are you going to be a team player, or a whiny bitch? We don’t need to be best buds, but I need to be able to count on your to do your job, and not be a tool.

I go with my gut. My instincts are finely-tuned. I trust them. My armor bears the scars of many an internecine war, and I am a goddamn survivor. I am the fucking honey badger of CorporateLand, only without the gay guy doing a voiceover of my daily activities. Once, I was the only person out of 10 or 12 who dinged a guy. I didn’t like him. I mean he seemed nice enough, but there was something about him. Anyway, for whatever reason, the head of HR wanted to plow the road for him, and she offered md the ‘chance’ to change my vote to a ‘yes’. I declined. Four months later we fired him for trying to punch out two vice presidents at a party. In fairness, we also fired two other guys for being drunk and disorderly, but they didn’t show up at work the next day—still drunk—to continue the fight. That’s got to be a tough one to explain to your wife and in-laws later.

If You Are an SJW, I Will NEVER Fucking Hire You. Not much to worry about in TRP, but I mention it anyways. The last thing I want is to have to listen to some twat drone on about her political views. We have an intern like that, and I can barely stand her. She has this idea that she is entitled to be included in every conversation everyone has and we’re supposed to gape in wonder at her stupid ideas. Ugh. Anyway, this is why I love “Gender Studies” or “Oppression Studies” degrees. They are Big Giant Fucking Signs that say, “Don’t Hire Me! I’m a Fucking Loser!” I don’t care if you are a double Ivy with an M.A. in French from Stanford besides, if I get the slightest whiff that you are an SJW, I will ding you. I will find a way to do it surreptitiously if I have to, but you will never darken my door again. Happily, SJWs have stupid degrees and experience that is off-point, so it’s not difficult. Also, they’re more likely, in my estimation, to sue the firm b/c they got their widdle feewings hurt somehow b/c they overheard guys talking about pussy, or they never got promoted because they suck at their job, etc.

Good luck and the floor is open for questions.

¹ Rules for Shaking a Female Interviewer’s Hand. This is an ‘old school’ rule, and most modern businesswomen aren’t going to mind, however, I always wait for the woman to extend her hand. Why? Back in the olden days of covered wagons, or at least back before color TV, the thought was that if you offered your hand to a lady to shake, she might not want to shake your hand. That would put her in the uncomfortable position of either an unwanted touch—women were previously thought to be delicate flowers, during both the Victorian and Reagan Eras—or of refusing, and looking like a cunt and/or embarrassing you. So I wait. And when she puts out her hand first, I am also clued in to whether she’s offering the dainty lady-shake (palm parallel to the floor and I gently take her fingers) or the standard ‘man-shake’.

² My traders once decided that the measure of value one had to the firm was how badly one abuses the dress code, and I won. I also don’t bother to show up at the office. /shrugs

³ Q: “What’s your biggest weakness?” A: “Honesty.” * Q: *“I don’t think of honesty as a weakness.” A: “I don’t give a shit what you think.”

⁴ Not in a “fuck somebody over for no reason” way, but in a “Keep the firm the fuck out of trouble” way.

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CorporateLand: A Rat Race Survival Guide For New Rats

Published 10/01/18 by VasiliyZaitzev [1 Comments]

CorporateLand: A Rat Race Survival Guide For New Rats

TL; DR:Survival guide for working in a corporate environment, i.e. “CorporateLand”, where a lot of you will spend at least some of your time.As a guy who has worked for three Fortune 500 companies and two Fortune Global 100 companies, here's some advice about playing the corporate game.N.B.: This is going to be fairly long.If you don't like reading long posts, there are other posts to read.

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Body: A Guide to the Rat Race for New Rats.

Make friends with HR.

HR is the Elephants' Graveyard for people with No Fucking Talent. There is, inevitably, one person (and usually only one) who does not have their head completely up their ass. Buddy up with her (and it's always a 'her') and make sure she handles all your HR needs, because otherwise whatever you need done will get fucked up by girls and/or AA hires who are just there for the numbers.The last thing they want to do is actual work.They want to enjoy their 9-to-5 coffin, collect their paychecks and go home. Sure, there are talented women and minorities...but not in HR.

Make friends With IT.

IT sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake, and the Eye in the Sky Doesn't Lie (as we used to say back in my football days).They know what sites you visit, etc., etc.Thus you need to be a believer in the Separation of Work and State.My work laptop history (and I mean that thing that can't be erased by 'private' browsing, or whatever) has entirely mundane shit on it.Sites that are for work or work-related (research, travel, etc.)I visit other sites (personal business, news, TRP, etc.) on my other devices and never the twain shall meet.I don't use company wifi for personal devices, either.I keep two mobile phones: work and personal.The joke around work has always been that it's my "bat phone".^1

Where I work, now, I have a good relationship with the CIO (or whatever his title is), but also his underlings.The CIO is big into getting feed back abt how his dept performs, and I always send him an email to the effect that his guys did a great job for me, which they usually do.If I have a problem with a guy, I handle it with the guy. It costs me nothing and buys me some goodwill.You might need a friend in IT someday.IT is never going to land a $20M contract with a new customer.They're like the CIA; you only hear about their failures.

Don't Flip a Guy For No Reason

You're going to be working with some people that you don't like.Maybe someone's just having a bad day, or maybe he's an asshole.Equanimity should be the rule for noobs.Don't let yourself get pushed around, but realize you will not always have the whip hand.

Once, a guy stiffed me on a referral fee.It would have been two grand, maybe a bit more.Less than $2500 for sure.And he screwed me on it.I reached out to him and he didn't respond.Not only did he never got another referral from me again, and I also drove a few hundred thousand dollars away from his firm.I hope it was worth it.

Sometimes, it pays to acknowledge the elephant in the room.I worked with another guy who was a salesman.The problem was, he couldn't sell.What he could do was blame other people for his failures.Anyway, I came out of my office one day, and there he was coming down the hallway towards me."Great", I thought, "This asshole."So I said to him, "Joe, the thing I like about you, and it's the ONLY thing I like about you, is that it pisses you off MORE to see me coming than it does me to see you coming."Inexplicably, we got a long a lot better after that.

Hide in Plain Sight

Sort of like being the "Gray Man". Do your job, get paid, and enjoy your life from 5pm to 9am. Nobody is working in CorporateLand because it's so fucking cool and awesome, not even the folks at Google (ok, maybe Google, but not 99% of the rest of everyone else). We're there for the paycheck.

But Can You Bang The Hotties at Work?

No.

Don't Mistake Your "Work Friends" for your "Real Friends"

Sure, there are some cool people at work, and some of them will cross over into the "real friends" category, but not as many as you think. You're there to do your job, and get paid.

But really, Why Can't I Bang the Hotties at Work?

It's work not a singles bar.And there likely won't be a ton of hotties.You're not in University any more.There will be the occasional hot secretary or secret slut over in accounting. Do.Not.Bang.If you do bang, try to bang someone with more to lose than you do, so you don't find yourself on an ice floe.

Sure, maybe it will work out fine.Or maybe you will have to explain how a rising star such as you got tossed out of ABC Widgets in your next interview.I used to fuck a 23 y.o. admin over lunch a couple of times a week.Until her fiance figured out that she was getting some strange.They have three kids now.I don't think any of them are mine.Anyway, do as I say, not as I did.I'm smarter now, and you should be, too.

Secure the Perimeter

Whether it was business or personal, I tried to make sure that nobody came to my boss with anything that was a surprise. If anyone asks your boss a question about you, it's better for him to know the answer because he heard it from you first.

Don't Get Overdrawn at the Favor Bank

There will be times when you will need a friend. It's ok to do favors for people, take on a project or two, because someday...you will need a friend. I covered another person's region after they moved on, and kept everything afloat. Since I work for a corporation, they didn't pay me commensurate with the work I did, but I regarded it as sweat equity. A good reputation is a powerful shield.

Containment

Contain your enemies, as George Kennan advised in The Long Telegram. Do not escalate into a hot war if at all possible, while not suffering any loss of prestige.

At a former job, I had an issue with a female co-worker. The issue was that I didn't want to do her work for her, and she needed me to, because she wasn't very good at it. She also complained that she "had kids" and couldn't stay late and do it.

I value my free time. Also, my name is not Rumple-fucking-Stiltskin, and it's not my job to stay late, for no extra pay, to do someone else's work for her because she got promoted into a job she lacked the talent for. Now, if someone needs my help and asks for it, and has been an ally in the past, etc., I will probably do it on a one-off basis. It can often be useful to have a positive balance in the "Favor Bank".

She started screaming at me one day that I 'had' to do thus and so for her, and I told her to get stuffed (not the exact words, but that was the subtext). She freaked and went to her boss, who went to my boss. What a cunt. That was my boss' assessment, after I had given him my side of the story. And he was right.

So what did I do? Having explained shit to my boss (and I had a story to tell, how she tries to dump her work on me because she can't do it, and how I solved a bunch of shit because it's easy for me, and I'm willing to take one for the team once in a while, but I'm not simply going to be her bitch because she has a vagina and feels entitled.) My boss handled it with the other guy. Then he brought it up again two days later. I was able to quell it (I think she was still yapping; I had dummied up about it).

So what to do now? Two things: First, I went to HR. I had cultivated the Powers That Be in HR, so I had a built in Firewall. The best part was that the HMFIC in HR loved me and HATED the chick who was giving me shit. So that was that.

The second thing I did was start looking for a new job. They can't fuck with you when you have options. So I found a better job and make 50% more than I would if I had stayed put. So fuck her. I also let other work she tried to dump on me stack up and then gave it all back to her on my way out the door. Muhahahahahahahahaha!

Make Yourself Indispensable, and Then Disappear

I basically work from wherever I want to and don't have to go into an office anymore--it is Fucking HEAVEN! I do go in, from time to time, but only to renew connections and to see if they've hired any new talent, by which I mean 22 y.o. girls with tight 22 y.o. asses. (N.B. Don’t shit where you eat, of course.)

Remember the 'sweat equity' part? That helped. Go read "The Four Hour Work Week" by Tim Ferriss and "How to Relax Without Getting the Axe" by Stanley Bing. Bing has a whole section on doing what I do, pretty much.

How do I get away with it? I perform at a high level, I am always reachable, I have a unique set of skills and my employer understands that he pays me for PERFORMANCE not for attendance.

Have a Plan For When Shit Goes Bad

Always have two escape routes. Eventually, you are going to want to move up or move on. If I didn't like what I do for a living, I could walk away and still make six figures doing what I do on the side, and by leveraging my contacts. Someday, I will do that, anyway.

Most people in CorporateLand are not curing cancer. That's fine. AFAIAC, my job exists to fund my lifestyle. Nobody on their death bed says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." As the Christians say, be in the world, but not of the world. Or something like that.

A word about lifestyle:The only reason to work in a corporation is to make a shit-ton of money.If you are not, then go do something else.And whatever you do, don’t outspend your paycheck.Save Crowns and Pounds and Farthings.You will need a war chest someday.

Look, I got over. Sure, the economy sucked ass when I got out and I fought back and found a way to prosperity. Kids today are getting factored to a fare thee well. Think long and hard before taking the CEO’s shilling.

^1This is exactly what Tiger Woods should have had.If he'd had a second phone that (a) was identical to whatever phone his caddy/major domo/little helper guy had and (b) HAD A FUCKING PASSWORD ON IT, he wouldn't have wound up being chased down his driveway by his golf club-wielding wife.Dumb, dumb, dumb.When his wife found it, he could have said, "Oh, that's [name of sidekick]'s phone.I'll take that and return it to him, thanks."I think that he gets busted eventually, anyway, b/c that guy was fucking half the women in America, but who knows.

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LESSON 1:Be Loyal…To Yourself.The days of walking into IBM or GM or GE at 21 and walking out at 65 with a fat pension and a gold watch are Way Long Gone. It's every man for himself these days, BUT....it need not be "Lord of the Flies".

Every article you see titled "Gen X and Gen Y Have No Work Ethic" should be titled "Gen X and Gen Y refuse to be Treated Like Commodities; Boomers OUTRAGED!"

Why the Boomers expect loyalty when they offer none is beyond me. The RP Man in CorporateLand should have loyalty to (a) his paycheck and (b) those of his colleagues who have proven themselves worthy. That's it. The assholes in the C-Suite would just as happily fire you if it would make their stock go up a nickel as look at you.

LESSON 2:Have Options.Learn a trade.Be able to do something so you aren’t dependent on a CorporateLand paycheck.I think the modern trend is going to be away toward entrepreneurship. One of the difficulties we face as a society is, "where will the jobs come from?" That is why I recommend that men have a trade. If you have a trade, then you won't go hungry. Sure, technology is disruptive (yes, I am looking at you, Uber) but nobody in China or India or on the internet is going to fix your plumbing.

LESSON 3: Avoid Debt.The LAST fucking thing I would recommend is piling on educational debt to the tune of $500k to get a BA and JD or whatever. It's a disaster. The generation behind me can't buy houses because they're getting ass-raped on tuition and debt service thereon. It's fucking INSANE. And the degrees people get, now. Gender Studies? I'd rather my daughter was a hooker; at least she'd be giving VALUE for her pay. I sit on our hiring committee and I ding everyone who has a shitstain degree. Women's Studies? Best case she's merely a lazy cunt. Worst case, she's a lazy cunt who sues the firm. Fuck that. Same thing with anything else that's fucked up.

Good luck, now go forth and SLAY!

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