@az01209

Bad Oneitis Killing My Confidence

I've been with my gf (31F) for a few months, and though we have had some rough patches we are pretty stable now. (See previous post here: www.trp.red/feed/status/217343)

The only thing that's bothering me is my rampant oneitis, and the fact that I clearly love her more than she loves me. It's screwing me up on the inside, causing me to be jealous about all sorts of shit, worrying about her past, etc. It's a mess. I know me and her are probably not going to stay together forever, and I'll admit I probably should've kept her as a plate in the beginning, but it's too late for that now.

Being in this relationship has actually made my life worse, but I would like to get back to feeling like normal, but without ending it. In other words, I'm looking to cure my oneitis.

I've been searching through a lot of TRP materials on how to do this, and can't find any solid advice of how to get rid of oneitis, except for "have abundance bro." That's all fine and well, but that sounds more like a state of mind than any advice. When you're "in love" or whatever, I've noticed that the more you resist, the worse it gets.

Would you guys simply classify her as a side chick silently and spin more plates? I don't really know what to do here.

I honestly do believe I could find another girl, and a hotter one, if we broke up. But this doesn't even matter to me right now because I just like her. IDK.

Thanks for any advice.

Seeking abundance is definitely a strategy to consider, but that won't work for you right now. It would be like putting the chicken before the egg. Your one-itis is due to a lack of self-confidence, so it's more important that you focus on developing the self-confidence you lack, and the best ways in which to do this is to identify, meet, and overcome various challenges.

For now, don't overly concern yourself with this relationship lasting forever, but on handling it differently than you did before. The book should cover that end of things. If she wants to be someone who shares your life, she will have to become someone who proves it through the sincerity of her actions, as opposed to hollow words. If she just wants a stallion to ride, and you've no problems with this, then give her the ride of her life as it suits you, but you'll have to also become a man who stands firm to his refusal to appease her even when it leaves you blue-balled. This will have to be the case for anyone you let into your life romantically from here on. You don't follow them, you lead, not with a whip, but a willingness to leave them behind and find someone else to take their place.

As for developing your self-confidence, take a few minutes to sit down to write a list of the things that you want to do that you've been putting off for work, school, family, or whatever. Don't worry about how ridiculous or challenging those things might be, just focus on putting your ideas to paper and making the list. Then on another sheet of paper re-write your list, with the easiest or simplest idea at the top and work your way down to the most challenging.

When you're done, get started on the simplest item on that list and don't stop until you've accomplished everything you've written. If you encounter obstacles on the way that prevent you from completing anything on your list at anytime, feel free to check in, and let us know. We'll point you in the direction of any reference sources that will help you in achieving them.

@youngandlost

18M and need advice for girl with boyfriend. (Possible alpha widow?)

I'll try to keep things short. I apologize for the schoollike drama but keep in mind everyone in this story is 18.

There's this girl I met 2 months ago. We were friends and at the beginning I didn't like her at all, I actually was more interested in her friend. But of course as time went on and I spent more time with her, I ended up little by little liking her. Now, while I know many of you are probably going to directly diagnose me with 'full blown oneitis', it's not like that. I'm in a LTR and I have another fwb, so it's not I'm out here desperate for a crumb of pussy.

Anyway, not to get off topic. A bit of background about this girl: She's the same age as I (18) and she's been seeing her boyfriend for the past 3 years. He was her first everything, and while at the beginning everything was good, in the past year he started treating her like shit. She was of course unhappy, but tolerated it due to some 'external factor', according to her friend.

Now at first things were completly platonic, especially after I learned about her boyfriend. However as things went on, it started changing. She would get touchy (tickling, biting) and eventually I just said fuck it and kissed her (on the cheek and then right on the lips as of recently).

A week ago she began kissing me back. She was hesitant the whole time, didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend and even asked me if kissing me back counted as 'cheating' (lol). But after a while she gave in, although she stops after a while and resists again (the hamster on overdrive probably).

She knows about my girlfriend and in the past few weeks has been telling me to break up (my relationship with my gf is good but there are shaky moments). I told her I broke up (I didn't) and that now it's her turn. At first she said 'she didnt have a reason to' and didn't want to be alone. I told her she wouldn't be and said we should start dating (I am considering her for an LTR as she's not a bad girl).

She seems indecisive however, and says she feels bad after all the time she's wasted on this relationship (sunk cost fallacy, he was her first everything after all). And still hasn't after I asked her to. I think she might be alpha widowed and last night I saw something that probably confirmed it. Her saved messages has all of his messages where he complimented and said he loved her.

This got me thinking and while it's hard to try and be unbiased I came to the conclusion that she's just using me. She doesn't get enough attention from her boyfriend so she get's it from me instead. She's using me to get her boyfriend jealous in the hopes that he will change and I'm just her 'backup option'.

I don't have anyone irl i can discuss this with which is why I came here to ask what you guys think. I'd appreciate any help or insights on this.

Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.