but....i dont get really anything in return.

Sadly this is the deal. The man sacrifices his life. The woman turns up. The woman really doesn't contribute much - it's her job to help out raising kids and make food if you're lucky.

My wife is a good woman in the traditional sense — cooks, cleans, caring and loyal. But emotionally, nada. She’s avoidant, defensive and resists everything outside her comfort zone. No hobbies, no curiosity, no willingness.

Right

She says she’s “content but not happy.”

Yeah..... people who do nothing are rarely happy with doing nothing,

I feel obligation, loyalty, and compassion… but no spark, no partnership, no real life together beyond logistics and chores.

Right

Here’s the part I’m wrestling with:

Red Pill talks a lot about women leaving men “because they weren’t happy” — and how men get blindsided. So what happens when I’m the one who isn’t happy? Am I doing the same thing, just in reverse?

The thing with women leaving because they're not happy is that they are the cause of both sides being unhappy.

I’m not blaming her for everything. I own my mistakes, but she is "dismissive-avoidant".

I’m at the point where separation feels like the only path but part of me wonders if I’m falling into the same trap RP warns about-- chasing “happiness.”

I’m not chasing excitement. I’m chasing a partner who actually engages.

Honestly, I think you're right. I've dated a number of women, and the difference between the engaged and the distance is vast.

It is ok to leave. We have learned that much in the last 50 years.

She is supposed to be a partner. YOU ARE NOT ADOPTING A PUPPY.

Women are fully independent in their own right: you are allowed to leave if you want to. You do NOT have to justify it.

What I can't answer for you is this: can you find better?

So here’s my question to this community:

How do you tell the difference between:

“I’m unhappy, so I’m leaving” (the thing men get burned by) vs “The relationship has hit a dead end because we’re fundamentally incompatible in growth, effort, and emotional connection.”

In your case it's the latter.

The difference with you, is that YOU are the contributor. You are the provider. And you are not getting much out of it.

If you're committed to the idea that "leaving because unhappy = bad", then yeah, I can see how you're in a bit of a bind. Maybe reconsider the base assumption.

“I’m unhappy, so I’m leaving” (the thing men get burned by) vs “The relationship has hit a dead end because we’re fundamentally incompatible in growth, effort, and emotional connection.”

Naw, it's the same thing. One is just more verbose. You can throw something in there about "being on your journey", if it makes you feel better, but it's still the same thing.

It's ok, you know, to leave if you're unhappy. You don't need a "good reason". It's your life, do with it as you please. If she just isn't doing it for you any longer, that's as good a reason as any. You don't owe anyone your life.

Just make a decision. Even if it's a bad decision, it's still better than being indecisive.

Plan a weekend date and surprise her. Book a hotel, and drive her somewhere where you can take in the local attractions. Something where you can both engage in the local attractions. It doesn't have to be expensive. I'll give you an example:

One of my girlfriends and I were going through a rough patch. I live a few hours from the shore, so I booked a hotel for the weekend at one of the tourist places (it was in October, so it was off-season, and hotels were like $60 per night). I told her to not make any plans for the weekend, that we're going on a little trip.

We left Saturday morning, and arrived just before lunch. We drove 3 hours (which allowed me to break the ice and get a conversation going), and she kept asking "Where are we going?" I kept telling her, "You'll find out when we get there." When we arrived, we checked in at the hotel, dropped our stuff off, and went off on our adventure.

It was chilly, but we took a walk on the boardwalk, stopped at the vendor places for food and drinks, and played games together at one of those arcades where you trade the tickets in for prizes at the counter. I won her some stuffed animals from the crane machines, we turned in our tickets at the counter, I let her pick out the prizes, and she had a good time.

I had brought a laptop with me with an external hard drive that I loaded up with movies that she had mentioned she wanted to see, and a few that I thought looked pretty good she might enjoy. The hotel room had a TV I could plug into and stream the movies. We stopped off at the local dollar store and picked up some movie theater snacks (juijy fruits, milk duds, small cans of soda, etc.), then stopped off at a local diner for some dinner. After dinner, it was back to the hotel for movies. The last movie we watched I made sure was one of those woman-porn movies to make her all hot and wet before turning out the lights.

Sunday morning, we got up and showered, got packed up, and checked out of the hotel. I took her to a local diner for breakfast, and we took in a few of the local specialty shops for some souvenirs. On the way back home nearby, there was an animal farm that had a free petting zoo we stopped at so we could play with the baby sheep and goats and cute little furry animals women love.

Our last stop before heading home was an airplane museum ran by veterans that had free admittance (donations accepted) and gift shop. It had a little film room that showed a half-hour clip of the airplanes and talked about the veterans that served in wars. It was very educational. We walked around the museum, taking pictures of the exhibits, stood attention when they played a video of the national anthem, bought some souvenirs from the gift shop, and I dropped a donation on our way out.

On the drive back home, she was smiling and laughing and talking about what she liked about the trip, and it was a complete 360 from where she was when we started out. The overall trip cost me about $500.

Sometimes, you just have to pull yourselves out of your comfort zone and do something spontaneous, just you and her alone in a neutral place, where neither of you can run and hide, and have to depend on each other for comfort in order to remake that connection.