Venting/check up/looking for similar experiences

Hi there, just had my redpill breakthrough, I wanted to find a community to share experiences and start my hardcore redpill journey.

I'm 26 y.o. Hopeless romantic most of my life. Respect women, be nice and caring, all that shit, although for some reason I've had several relationships with reasonably hot girls. Last year my gf of 1 year dumped me because she "wasn't feeling it" (I had become a super weak needy beta) and she was infatuated with a much older man. It almost killed me. I got her back applying some of Corey Wayne's tools, but then realised she was a 304 and dumped her. I started getting into personal development, masculinity development, dating and increasingly attracting hot women, enjoying myself being heartless. Then, 6 months ago, I met my oneitis-unicorn. She was super attracted to me in the beginning. Thanks to my new skills and persona, we dated for 2 months, and I slowly fell back to my old beta ways. I created covert contracts, giving her care and love gestures to get her to be my girlfriend. She was hot and cold, keeping me at a distance, I could tell she was kind of avoidant. She was kind of an alpha widow, cause she became obsessed with a guy one year back when she went abroad for a year and he didn't reciprocate (they had a threesome with another girl she was dating). She's a hot girl (to my current delusional self she's the hottest in the planet) and clearly in her party years, she sings in a small music band and she feels like a celebrity. I bought into that, became full on obsessed and hyperfocused on her, developing all kind of strategies to make her ask to be my girlfriend. I could've just enjoyed the sex with a hot fun girl, but casual sex without attachments and using a girl for sex is wrong and it's important to be caring and work on the emotional bond right? (now i know i was wrong).

Two months in, after one of my big gestures, she said she wasn't looking for a traditional relationship right now. Me, from my beta mindset, decided to end things. A month later I contacted her, she had missed me like crazy and was up for dating again. Then I tried to be different, Alpha fucks kind of guy, showing no attachment and being more in the asshole personality, more detached. She became obsessed for a short period of time, until she acted out one night getting crazy drunk and making a scene. After that we met up for "talking things" because clearly there was something wrong. She said she couldn't deal with my hot and cold behavior, that she had noticed a change and she needed more stability (basically, she wanted me to go back to my caring, beta self and regain full power). I refused to comply and she dumped me. I could've folded and nuance my strategy, but I was too into my emotions and it was difficult to maneuver, by that point I was already deep into oneitis, super obsessed with her and nothing in my life was giving me pleasure, only getting her more hooked. So I lost her. Then I tried to get her back by "opening up", "being authentic and vulnerable" and to everyone's surprise it didn't work. She had already discarded me, she wants nothing to do with me, probably she spotted my behaviour change as manipulation.

Right now, three months after the whole thing, I'm in enormous pain and guilt. But now I know da way. The problem was getting too attached, not having any other girls, and being too inexperienced and noobie in my self development journey. My emotions quickly got me back to my social programming, focusing on relationship stuff, locking her down, feeling ashamed of my raw sexual desire. I am commited to change. Now I know I wasted a great opportunity to be fwb/sex playmates and have a lot of fun because of my weak emotions. I will get back in game, find a way to meet new women and have casual relationships to learn to master my emotions even if I really like the girl. I'm reading and learning a lot, and hopefully this experience will be a turning point. It has to be, because right now the pain is extreme, I get hopeless and suicidal sometimes. I'm hitting the gym regularly, joined brazilian jiu-jitsu, renewed my clothes and working on getting the job I want. Trying to find hope, faith that this work will pay off, that I can still get back on the horse and do things differently. Finding hot girls to have fun with without becoming attached and needy is my goal in the dating department now. Having options, spinning plates, all that jazz. I'm basically starting over so it seems quite unattainable and like a difficult, long term goal. We'll see.

To anyone who is going (or went) through a similar experience, would be great to talk and share outlooks and insights. Also welcome if you want to share your own experience, your redpill calling. I don't know if this forum is dead but hopefully we can build something out of this.

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