Life imitating satire:

(Unironically) My wife and her boyfriend

First time writing this all out, which was good for me I think. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just sharing. Part of me probably wants sympathy, but part of my also wants to be called an idiot or a loser, so comment however you like! I've tried my best to be the best husband I could be and second-guessing decisions is hard...

I (37m, wife also 37) am the dead one in our relationship. Married 13 years, 2 kids.

I've never been sexually comfortable, but not asexual. Our years are littered with fights about her initiating sex and being turned down, and then eventually she no longer initiated, and this all made it pretty clear that I never initiated. It's been a couple years now, especially if you only count successful/satisfying encounters.

Along the line, she confessed to online relationships which were very hurtful and she was apologetic, but I internalized a lot of the blame for this. We gave intimacy another try that didn't lead anywhere. She admitted another online relationship and after a hard conversation, we decided this time, she wanted it to continue and be out in the open between us. This hurt because it felt like the end of this part of us, but it also.... was freeing. My anxiety about being not enough went down, and honestly, I was glad she felt more of her needs met.

Then the online guy had his life fall apart across the country and he fled to a rental 30 miles from us. So this online relationship got my bewildered but genuine assent to become physical. She would go there after work a couple times a week, staying over sometimes. At some point, even before he loaded his truck and showed up, I came to understand that she cares for him, not just as a roleplaying online sexting random person.

The living arrangement fell apart and he returned to his hometown, but it was not good for him there.

In the town next to ours, a cheap but livable property went on sale. We had the means to purchase it and offer it to him as a rental. So now we're 6 miles away and she's able to visit him more and more easily.

I met him, he seems fine. My young kids know his name and know when she goes to hang out with her friend. Neither of us know how to handle that - honest, but obviously withholding most of the details and reasons.

I don't know where this is going. I fear their relationship falling apart, as it will hugely impact her happiness and return so much dissatisfaction to both of us. I also fear the unknown of them becoming closer. She and I have always been best friends, and she assures me that I am "her person" and she chose me. But I know things shift and I have a huge disadvantage in being the "complete package" for her.

Honestly, though we've always been best friends, we truly not as close as we used to be. It's easy to blame how much we both work and stresses of our kids, and how most time spent together is just everyone looking at their device. She's over there now helping him write a novel, which definitely feels different than picturing other activities they might do together. Whether she sees it or not, she definitely seems to find him more interesting at this stage.

She's not the bad guy here, neither is he, and neither am I (which still takes some self-convicing some times). Maybe it's just a very modern and sex-positive solution to keep everyone as happy as they can be. The arrangement does little for me other than assuage my guilt over not being enough for her, in exchange for feeling uncomfortable and like a loser here and there. I'm not particularly happy in life, but it's somehow not made worse by all this, just more complicated.

www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1j6jxd1/my_wife_and_her_boyfriend/