@az01209

Bad Oneitis Killing My Confidence

I've been with my gf (31F) for a few months, and though we have had some rough patches we are pretty stable now. (See previous post here: www.trp.red/feed/status/217343)

The only thing that's bothering me is my rampant oneitis, and the fact that I clearly love her more than she loves me. It's screwing me up on the inside, causing me to be jealous about all sorts of shit, worrying about her past, etc. It's a mess. I know me and her are probably not going to stay together forever, and I'll admit I probably should've kept her as a plate in the beginning, but it's too late for that now.

Being in this relationship has actually made my life worse, but I would like to get back to feeling like normal, but without ending it. In other words, I'm looking to cure my oneitis.

I've been searching through a lot of TRP materials on how to do this, and can't find any solid advice of how to get rid of oneitis, except for "have abundance bro." That's all fine and well, but that sounds more like a state of mind than any advice. When you're "in love" or whatever, I've noticed that the more you resist, the worse it gets.

Would you guys simply classify her as a side chick silently and spin more plates? I don't really know what to do here.

I honestly do believe I could find another girl, and a hotter one, if we broke up. But this doesn't even matter to me right now because I just like her. IDK.

Thanks for any advice.

Seeking abundance is definitely a strategy to consider, but that won't work for you right now. It would be like putting the chicken before the egg. Your one-itis is due to a lack of self-confidence, so it's more important that you focus on developing the self-confidence you lack, and the best ways in which to do this is to identify, meet, and overcome various challenges.

For now, don't overly concern yourself with this relationship lasting forever, but on handling it differently than you did before. The book should cover that end of things. If she wants to be someone who shares your life, she will have to become someone who proves it through the sincerity of her actions, as opposed to hollow words. If she just wants a stallion to ride, and you've no problems with this, then give her the ride of her life as it suits you, but you'll have to also become a man who stands firm to his refusal to appease her even when it leaves you blue-balled. This will have to be the case for anyone you let into your life romantically from here on. You don't follow them, you lead, not with a whip, but a willingness to leave them behind and find someone else to take their place.

As for developing your self-confidence, take a few minutes to sit down to write a list of the things that you want to do that you've been putting off for work, school, family, or whatever. Don't worry about how ridiculous or challenging those things might be, just focus on putting your ideas to paper and making the list. Then on another sheet of paper re-write your list, with the easiest or simplest idea at the top and work your way down to the most challenging.

When you're done, get started on the simplest item on that list and don't stop until you've accomplished everything you've written. If you encounter obstacles on the way that prevent you from completing anything on your list at anytime, feel free to check in, and let us know. We'll point you in the direction of any reference sources that will help you in achieving them.

@youngandlost

18M and need advice for girl with boyfriend. (Possible alpha widow?)

I'll try to keep things short. I apologize for the schoollike drama but keep in mind everyone in this story is 18.

There's this girl I met 2 months ago. We were friends and at the beginning I didn't like her at all, I actually was more interested in her friend. But of course as time went on and I spent more time with her, I ended up little by little liking her. Now, while I know many of you are probably going to directly diagnose me with 'full blown oneitis', it's not like that. I'm in a LTR and I have another fwb, so it's not I'm out here desperate for a crumb of pussy.

Anyway, not to get off topic. A bit of background about this girl: She's the same age as I (18) and she's been seeing her boyfriend for the past 3 years. He was her first everything, and while at the beginning everything was good, in the past year he started treating her like shit. She was of course unhappy, but tolerated it due to some 'external factor', according to her friend.

Now at first things were completly platonic, especially after I learned about her boyfriend. However as things went on, it started changing. She would get touchy (tickling, biting) and eventually I just said fuck it and kissed her (on the cheek and then right on the lips as of recently).

A week ago she began kissing me back. She was hesitant the whole time, didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend and even asked me if kissing me back counted as 'cheating' (lol). But after a while she gave in, although she stops after a while and resists again (the hamster on overdrive probably).

She knows about my girlfriend and in the past few weeks has been telling me to break up (my relationship with my gf is good but there are shaky moments). I told her I broke up (I didn't) and that now it's her turn. At first she said 'she didnt have a reason to' and didn't want to be alone. I told her she wouldn't be and said we should start dating (I am considering her for an LTR as she's not a bad girl).

She seems indecisive however, and says she feels bad after all the time she's wasted on this relationship (sunk cost fallacy, he was her first everything after all). And still hasn't after I asked her to. I think she might be alpha widowed and last night I saw something that probably confirmed it. Her saved messages has all of his messages where he complimented and said he loved her.

This got me thinking and while it's hard to try and be unbiased I came to the conclusion that she's just using me. She doesn't get enough attention from her boyfriend so she get's it from me instead. She's using me to get her boyfriend jealous in the hopes that he will change and I'm just her 'backup option'.

I don't have anyone irl i can discuss this with which is why I came here to ask what you guys think. I'd appreciate any help or insights on this.

Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.

@SteadyNeuros

How do any of you do it?

How? How do you guys approach women with any kind of non-platonic intent? How do you EVER get any woman interested for ANY length of time? I physically cannot bring myself to interact with any woman. I'm 35 and have never even flirted with a woman. I don't even know what that looks like. I just want ONE woman out of multiple BILLIONS of women to be interested in me, if only for a short time, but I have no idea how to initiate even the most remote possibility of that happening. I think I'm approaching clinical levels of insanity. Sometimes I feel like the only person on Earth who has a sex drive, and the only person on Earth who can't get laid. I don't know what to do. I'm in agony all the time. Theory doesn't help. I have nothing. I'm at absolute zero.

How in the living fuck do you be a man?

Here's a ten minute video where Joshua Graham teaches you how to be a man you might find worth listening to. Also, check out this 6 minute clip of an interview with the late Steve Allen, a talk show host most well known from hosting NBC's "Tonight Show", in which he shares brief reflections on his life, growing up during the American depression, his early adult years, marriage, and his admittedly inept parentage. He voices particular frustration about how society makes sure people are well trained to be productive, but when it came to being instructed on being good wives, husbands, parents, or to simply be a good person, there were no reference points provided for him to start with. I can only pray the links provided are the beginning of many such reference points for you. If you need more, feel free to ask.

As for females, consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.

Keep in mind, that the internet grants you unrestricted access to the entirety of human knowledge. The only thing limiting you is your willingness to search and scrutinize it for information that can enable you to become the man you imagine you could one day become. Best of luck to you.

@whynot10

Why would she be inconsistent if she is forthcoming about her plans?

I've been in an exclusive relationship with a woman for two months, known her for seven. The sex is great, and she's nurturing, caring, and consistent in her behavior. Communication is open, and she’s forthcoming about her plans. We're currently in a long distance dynamic but she's moving here next month.

The issue: She’s been vague and inconsistent about a male co-worker. Months ago (when we weren’t exclusive), she mentioned going out with colleagues and described this guy as a family man in his 40s. Recently, she said she was going out with "girls and one guy" when I asked if it was the same guy, she said yes but corrected herself from "40s" to "30." Later on the phone I found out he's not married like she claimed, and she said we were probably talking about another coworker. (I am sure this detail was a lie, but why she lied is up for questioning).

I also found out she hasn’t told her colleagues that she’s in a relationship. She downplays her relationship with colleagues a lot. But I saw she talks with this guy outside of work (exchanging Instagram videos). Contradicting her claim of not talking to them outside work, she’s even left her cat at his place when visiting me 2 months ago.

Given how open she is otherwise, I am contemplating whether this is a serious concern or just plain overthinking? Especially since I don't understand why she's doing this as her behavior hasn't changed in the slightest.

This reads like a non-issue borne out of fear and speculation on your part.

You're in one town while she's in another. You both have to work to support yourselves. In that time you both will be working with people of the opposite sex, some of whom maybe better looking than the person you're currently with. Until you can transition this relationship of yours back to an in-person one fixating on this will only grow your anxiety into distrust. This is why it's oftentimes best to not maintain long-distance relationships and end things if you ever have to relocate for schooling or work.

Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.

@Typo-MAGAshiv I think what you are not seeing is that they partnered him with the best guy they had. Being in the army (and only being there a fraction of the time that a normal officer has to because you have to go shake people's hands most of the time) is not quite the same as a civilian life where you are not the person being organised, you are doing the self organising.

He has always had the best people organising his life for him because he is a prince. He has never had to do anything without an instruction or recommendation from someone who is one of the very best his nation has to offer. That is his huge weakness. He has never had to discern who is full of crap and who is wise, who is self serving and who is on his side. He has people to do that for him. Suddenly he started taking career advice from a selfish showgirl.

Now Harry was a good officer. What he lacked in actual experience and in brains he more than made up for in good heart, courage and aristocratic flair. (He was basically a natural born cavalry officer). He was an officer you would follow. I have met people who have served with him. That I am not disputing. It makes it sadder that a good officer like Harry, a patriotic Englishman and a dammed good hunter to boot should be cut off from his friends and family and turned into a soy boy traitor by a utterly self serving woman who probably doesn't even like him by now.

@StrengthFramed

Dating two friends. How to fix fuckup?

I had been dating two girls for 3/4 months respectively. They became friends 1 month in as we all train at the same gym together and they were both around me at times. No exclusivity with either, although I wasn't exactly open about who I was sleeping with. The problem began two weeks ago when they hung out outside of the gym and told eachother everything, the next day they both broke it off. They have been orbiting me the past few weeks in the gym coming in the exact same times, TOGETHER. I was getting more serious with one of them and the other one got jealous and decides to ruin it.

I have been no contact with both for two weeks, they both regularly look my way and I give a simple smile and move on. Will they reach out at some point? I donm't give a fuck if one does but the other I am more interested in.

What's the solution? Remain no contact, go by my business and if they reach out ask to meet up?

update - Approached the one I like in the gym, she maintained that she is completely done because of the lack of trust. I said that I respect that and left it at that. This isn't recoverable aye?

This is a non-issue. You did nothing wrong, they're just idiots. Those two made some delusional resolution to feminist solidarity. As they see you with other females, they'll start acting like kids jealous someone's enjoying their old toy, and will feel themselves compelled to take corrective action to get back into your life. If they treat you well, I don't see why you shouldn't grow your inventory of plates by two more.

In the long run, consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.