Share jokes that people can tell at parties or add to their repertoire. Ideally related to sex, dating, the SMP, or Red Pill Truths, but anything that will get a room laughing is welcome!
There is this old anecdote from my youth.
A guy wanted to trim the bushes in his garden. Unfortunately, he didn't have the right tools. However, he remembered that his neighbor, who lives nearby, had a pair of pruners. He decided to go over to his place and borrow them. He went there and thought...
- My neighbor is a very nosy man. He always wants to know everything. He'll definitely ask me why I need a pair of pruner! And knowing life, he'll definitely complain that I could buy my own instead of borrowing from him. My neighbor is a total fake! He's never liked me and as soon as he gets the chance, he'll want to get on my nerves.
He walks up to his neighbor's door and bangs on the door angrily. The neighbor opens the door and greets him with a smile. To which the guy explodes:
You know what. Stick those pruners up your ass!!
Read More@Goingthedistance getting rejected reminded me of this one.
There was a farm boy in rural Appalachia who grew up in a dirt poor family. A farm accident caused him to lose an eye, and as they couldn't afford a prosthetic eye, his Father carved him an eye out of hardwood. From that point forward, cruel kids at school teased and taunted him, calling out, "Wood eye! Wood eye!" everywhere he went.
In high school, when all his classmates started dating, he felt abjectly lonely, and insecure that nobody would ever want to date a guy with a wooden eye. During his junior year, the school district put together a big dance for all the upper classes from the high schools in the region.
He felt ignored and lonely as always at social events, until he locked eyes with a girl from another school he had never seen before. She had a nice body, beautiful blond hair and blue eyes, nice skin- but... For some reason her mouth grew vertically instead of horizontally like normal. Wow, she looks like she's into me, and nobody seems interested in her either... here's my big shot!
Like in the movies where the music fades into the background when a couple's eyes meet, he slowly drifted through the crowd toward her. Face to face, he stammered a bit and asked her, "Hi, I was wondering if you would like to dance with me?"
She practically swoons, and agrees enthusiastically saying, "Would I?!?"
The young man is shocked that even such an unusual girl would respond so. Furious, he responds loudly, turning the dream sequence into a record scratch: "Hey! I didn't call you CUNT FACE, now did I???!?!?
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"Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary."
Dildo store owner hires a new guy. On his first day, tells him, "I need to run too the bank, do you feel ready to watch the store? I'll be gone for 15 mins."
He says "sure, no problem."
Well as soon as the guy leaves, someone comes walking in, they're looking around. "How much for the white latex dildo?"
"$25."
"I'll take it!"
The customer gives him the money, he puts it in a bag and out they go.
Second person comes walking in, starts looking around. "How much for the big black one with all the veins?"
"$50"
"I'll take it!"
The customer gives him the money, he puts it in a bag and out they go.
Third person comes in. "Um, how much for the red and green plaid dildo?"
"Oh, um, $125"
"Ooh, well you only live once!"
The customer gives him the money, he puts it in a bag and out they go.
Fourth person, "Wow, how much for this fat red one?"
"Errr, uh, 125."
"My ass will never be the same" he says with confident overshare.
Owner comes back from the bank, says "Thank you so much for watching the store. Did you do any business while i was gone?"
"Actually i did. I got $25 For the white latex dildo, I Got $50 for the black one, And i got $125 each for your thermos and the fire extinguisher!"
Read MoreWhat do gynecologists and pizza drivers have in common ?
They both have to smell it all day long but get fired if they eat it.
What does a nine volt battery and a woman’s asshole have in common?
You know it’s wrong but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
A mother and son are driving on the highway and end up behind a garbage truck
All of sudden a big dildo comes flying off the truck and smacks the windshield of their car
Trying to play it off all casual, she says, "wow, that was a big bug"
The kid says "Yeah, I cant believe it can fly at all with a dick that big"
What does a pregnant 15 year old and her fetus have in common? They are both thinking, “My mom is going to kill me”.
A man goes to a bar and drinks to the point where he throws up all down his shirt. He says, "Aw, man, my wife's gonna kill me. She's always saying I don't know when to stop."
The bartender says, "Hey it's cool. Just stick a ten dollar bill in your front shirt pocket and say that someone threw up on you and they gave you ten dollars to pay for the dry cleaning."
The man says, "That's a really good idea." and heads home.
When he gets home his wife is waiting for him and immediately lays into him and he says, "No no no, you got it all wrong. Somebody threw up on me and they gave me this ten dollars to pay for the dry cleaning." and points to his shirt pocket
She reaches in and pulls out two ten dollar bills and says, "There's twenty dollars here."
The man replies, "Oh right, I forgot. He shit my pants, too."
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