Bad Oneitis Killing My Confidence
I've been with my gf (31F) for a few months, and though we have had some rough patches we are pretty stable now. (See previous post here: www.trp.red/feed/status/217343)
The only thing that's bothering me is my rampant oneitis, and the fact that I clearly love her more than she loves me. It's screwing me up on the inside, causing me to be jealous about all sorts of shit, worrying about her past, etc. It's a mess. I know me and her are probably not going to stay together forever, and I'll admit I probably should've kept her as a plate in the beginning, but it's too late for that now.
Being in this relationship has actually made my life worse, but I would like to get back to feeling like normal, but without ending it. In other words, I'm looking to cure my oneitis.
I've been searching through a lot of TRP materials on how to do this, and can't find any solid advice of how to get rid of oneitis, except for "have abundance bro." That's all fine and well, but that sounds more like a state of mind than any advice. When you're "in love" or whatever, I've noticed that the more you resist, the worse it gets.
Would you guys simply classify her as a side chick silently and spin more plates? I don't really know what to do here.
I honestly do believe I could find another girl, and a hotter one, if we broke up. But this doesn't even matter to me right now because I just like her. IDK.
Thanks for any advice.
Seeking abundance is definitely a strategy to consider, but that won't work for you right now. It would be like putting the chicken before the egg. Your one-itis is due to a lack of self-confidence, so it's more important that you focus on developing the self-confidence you lack, and the best ways in which to do this is to identify, meet, and overcome various challenges.
For now, don't overly concern yourself with this relationship lasting forever, but on handling it differently than you did before. The book should cover that end of things. If she wants to be someone who shares your life, she will have to become someone who proves it through the sincerity of her actions, as opposed to hollow words. If she just wants a stallion to ride, and you've no problems with this, then give her the ride of her life as it suits you, but you'll have to also become a man who stands firm to his refusal to appease her even when it leaves you blue-balled. This will have to be the case for anyone you let into your life romantically from here on. You don't follow them, you lead, not with a whip, but a willingness to leave them behind and find someone else to take their place.
As for developing your self-confidence, take a few minutes to sit down to write a list of the things that you want to do that you've been putting off for work, school, family, or whatever. Don't worry about how ridiculous or challenging those things might be, just focus on putting your ideas to paper and making the list. Then on another sheet of paper re-write your list, with the easiest or simplest idea at the top and work your way down to the most challenging.
When you're done, get started on the simplest item on that list and don't stop until you've accomplished everything you've written. If you encounter obstacles on the way that prevent you from completing anything on your list at anytime, feel free to check in, and let us know. We'll point you in the direction of any reference sources that will help you in achieving them.
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What's up TRP.
For some context, I'm (29M) in a LTR (only one month so far) with my gf (31F). We got into a relationship really fast (I know, don't give me shit), and already tell each other we love each other, etc. Mostly, it is genuine.
In the beginning of the relationship, I asked her what she liked about me and she went on listing things about how I made her feel, e.g. "you take care of me," "you reply fast," "you don't leave me." Knowing what I know, this shit was like knives thrown to the heart. Anyway, it was a red flag because she mentioned close to nothing about what she likes about me as a person, until after I complained about it of course. There were a couple other similar indications of this type of feeling in her, but they were just small things, so I let it slide.
As far as other issues go, she seems strangely selfish for a woman. Some things she will do without thinking of me at all, but perhaps it's a cultural barrier (she's from a SE Asian country). Even during sex, she will grab my hand and press it against her breasts or on her ass, wherever she wants. I'll admit I don't like this, but it's weird to see her being so...selfish? I'm not sure if all these behaviors are related or not.
I've been in love a few times, but I definitely don't feel like this one is 'obsessed' with me, as the other ones were. I'll admit, when I met her I was being a beta boy and I had lost touch with the RP teachings for some time beforehand.
Now, a few days ago, we had a terrible fight (about fighting, or something else very stupid), where she just broke up with me after I told her that she had some qualities I wouldn't want in a wife, and that we needed to work on fixing some stuff, something along those lines. Our fights can get quite bad, and I'll admit that it is mostly from my side. So, she packed up all her stuff from my house and left that day. I couldn't believe it. But then she went posting songs lyrics and stuff on her IG stories, so I texted her the next day to ask if it was really over.
Long story short we got back together, but we still haven't seen each other in person since that day we broke up (a couple days ago). She said she's on her period, and she just wants to rest for a week. Truth be told, she does have more issues with her period (extra painful, messed up hormones) than normal girls, but she says she's afraid that if she comes to see me she will make a bad decision or we will fight more and she can't deal with it right now. She lives about 30-45 minutes away, and she said that if I come drive to her she will see me but if not I have to wait a week.
Now this sets off all kinds of alarms in me. I know when a girl is in love with you she will drive 1,000 miles to see you, period or not. She keeps telling me she doesn't love me less, that she just needs to rest.
But I guess I'm just not buying it. And my intuition is telling me that perhaps it is not me that she loves at all, but rather the way I make her feel. But the other voice in my head comes in and says maybe she's different, and all that.
My question to TRP is: Is my intuition valid? Am I just paranoid? I feel like I am trapped in the beta frame with her, and she does some disrespectful stuff sometimes; minor things like rolling her eyes at me in a certain way, or telling me a flat no when I ask her to do something basic like clean something, but still noticeable to me.
Should I next her? I feel like I love her and that I am fucked.
Honestly, it reads like you two had your chance, gave it a go, but it didn't work out. Her flip-flopping psychotic behavior ending things may pan out to be a blessing in disguise in the least expected way. While I think you should just move on, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you disregard any advice you're given and simply follow-though in getting back together until she loses interest in you again. If that's the path you ultimately take, continue using condoms while having sex, so that when the time comes that she ends things with you, you can just put her on block from your contact points, let the break-up momentum carry you away, and move on with your life.
Beyond that, consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.
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