Intro

Becoming a single father was not by choice. My ex-wife passed away very suddenly a few years ago, leaving me with sole custody of our three children.

Throughout my life I had heard how “being a single parent is sooo hard” and “I never have time for myself”, etc. so my expectations were less than optimistic.

But I quickly discovered that being a single father was not only not that difficult, but it was amazing!

One could write a book about this easily. And while there is a lot emotional content behind this statement, I will focus here on the non-emotional administration and logistics aspects – because that’s what most people seem to struggle with.

Disclaimer

Before I get started I must mention that I make an upper middle class living. I am not wealthy, but I am comfortable. It should also be noted that my children were out of diapers and could shower and dress by themselves when their mom died. These two factors cannot be ignored in my story, so I recognize that your mileage may vary with this advice.

The Advice

Some time after her passing, when my mind became a bit clearer again, I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of writing (which is very much not my usual habit). There were no journals or diaries, just thoughts on paper. This helped clear my head and organize my thoughts more than I expected it would, so I recommend it highly when if your brain is on fire as mine was at the time.

Among the big epiphanies for me was this: Of all the things a woman can bring to a relationship, the only thing I cannot outsource is sexual intimacy. (More on that in a separate post)

**Almost every other single thing that a man used to depend on a woman to provide, can now be outsourced.**

For example:

1. A cleaning lady deep cleans the house once a week. It is less expensive than you think. When I come home on Monday after work, my house smells fresh, the toilets are clean, sheets changed, and kitchen sink is all shiny. I cannot overstate how amazing this is.
2. About once a month I go to my local mall and get a back massage. The tables are all open and next to each other, (so inb4 "happy ending" comments). They also know me now and it makes a big difference, because there is that annoying spot between my shoulder blades that this old Asian women knows how to get to right away.
3. There is a local laundry place that has wash and fold service. Best tradeoff ever! I despise folding laundry, and with four of us in the house, there is ALWAYS laundry. Also, if you dig into the cost-benefit, you will find that the amortized cost of your washing machine and dryer, plus any repairs, electricity, soap, bleach, fabric softener, water, HOT water, and in my town "sewer rent" (yeah, don't ask). It is only marginally more expensive to outsource this when you know the TOTAL cost of doing it alone - not to mention the time and effort.
4. A few years ago, my daughter asked me once to come with here to get a mani-pedi. I said “Sure. Why not!” and so we went. The ladies in the nail place thought it was cute that a man who looks like me was there with his pre teen delighter. Men, trust me, we have been missing out all these years. When we go, I am always attended to by women. Plus, a good foot massage is always relaxing, especially when done by a moderately attractive younger women. Besides, let's be honest, what man takes the time to cut his own cuticles.
5. There are a number of local restaurants within 5 blocks of my house. The woman who owns and runs my favorite place makes the best homemade Peruvian food ever. And it is dirt cheap! I have no idea how she does it, but it is not much more $$ than making it at home – and MUCH more delicious.

Update: As of the updating of this post, I now have a woman who visits 3 times a week to cook in my house. The takeout thing was getting super expensive, especially with inflation. So she comes three nights a week, and cooks 5-6 days worth of meals. It is CHEAP! This woman has old school values, and really takes pride in her cooking. I see here smiling when my children are digging into her latest creation.

In addition

1. • I have a female barber
   • Most of my children’s teachers are women
   • My children’s doctor is a woman
   • My children’s dentist is a woman
   • Most of restaurant waitstaff is female
   • Most fast food places near me are almost entirely staffed by women

In other words...

Almost every single logistical family matter I can either do myself or outsource to a woman who really wants to do it!

I have watched many videos in which women claim that men want to live in the 1950's. Yet, I have never heard a man say this. They also claim that men want a woman who is submissive. Respect to Fresh and Fit, but I am not looking for subservience - I am perfectly happy to have a reasonable woman. She can do and be whatever, as long as it is within reason, and she is NOT combative or naggy or complaining too much. If this is somehow linked to the 1950's then I stand corrected.

Since women seem to see household chores as some sort of slavery (literally women's words) when they are done in the context of a marriage or domestic partnership, why do this to them?

Just outsource them to women who WANT to do them. Hell, they advertise it and ask for the work! Just treat them with kindness, show appreciation, and pay them slightly more than they ask. It works like a charm.

(I always wonder how many of these women go home, too tired to take care of their own men)

Not only is it much less expensive and quarrelsome than being married, these service providers often do their respective jobs better, more efficiently, and with more courtesy and appreciation than any female romantic partner ever has. While I will refrain from delving into the emotional aspects, it should be noted that

This outsource model is devoid of complex relationship dynamics, or inappropriate outdated feminist politics, which makes it all the more attractive.

In other words, I have effectively removed the politics from household chores.

On Gratuities

Each year, I give a few of my service providers an annual tip (Garbage men, mailman, barber, and a few others). Last year, when my housekeeper opened the envelop, she nearly broke my neck with a hug! It was such a spontaneous, endearing moment that I still smile when I think about it. She was genuinely appreciative – and believe me, while the bonus was generous, it was not over the top by any means. I am not wealthy by any means.

Can you imagine giving your wife a few hundred dollars - or anything for that matter - for being good to you? The average American woman would likely take offense and would look up the monetary value of any gift so that she could use it as a cudgel. \

We are an easy family to get along with, care for, and deal with. So when these women provide us with a service they seem to genuinely appreciate having us as customers.

This stands in stark contrast to many of our experiences with wives and co-parents. In romantic relationships, there is often little-to-no appreciation; on the contrary, there is too often strife, anger, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, or open hostility.

But here we are.

Conclusion

The TL;DR is: Maintaining a household should not be an ongoing political battle. So if you can afford to outsource something then OUTSOURCE IT!

__________________

PS

This post is ultimately about finding ways to fill the spaces left by the women in our lives. Men are not wrong to wish for a helpmeet, partner, wife, mother, housekeeper, co-parent or just someone to lend a helping hand. It is simply not reasonable to expect such things these days, as most women have completely rejected that role in today's society.

It is best for each of us to come to terms with this as soon as possible, and to start thinking about how to most efficiently get the mundane work done so we can spend more time being good fathers, make more money, build wealth, and to enjoy the finer things in life.

And let's be honest. This would not be possible without feminism. So shout out to feminism.

Tip deeplydisturbed for their post.