A recent post on TRP.red prompted this reply. The question was related to the good things that one has done as a parent, and what we might do differently. Here is my response.

Things I think I got "right"

• I never made my children do a chore, homework, or exercise without first doing it with them repeatedly. After a while, they start wanting to do it on their own. Funny how that works.
• Keep bad people away from them - some family, some bad choices in friends. Harder than it seems
• Be consistent like their life depends on it. Because it sort of does.
• ALWAYS answer them when they ask things like "But why...?"; even when they are little. It works like a charm - and once you show you're willing to do it, they ask it way more! So be prepared. It goes away so fast so enjoy it while it's there.
• Be even-keeled in your emotions to the best of your ability (see "wrong" list below)
• Be goofy and happy as often as possible. Life is fun if we decide it will be. Sure, shit happens, but YOU above all people need to show them that it can be fun - even when it isn't. This is the definition of strength right here.
• Make sure they handle the big four: Sports/Fitness, Academics, Socialization, and Character (Spirituality, Values, Honor, etc.) If they get these things right, they get ridiculous amounts of freedom. Once they got the concept I do not remember every taking freedom away from them. They're not stupid. They understand simple things, like: "DO NOT FUCK THIS UP! DAD LETS US GET AWAY WITH CRAZY FREEDOM THAT MY FRIENDS DON'T HAVE. DO NOT GET BAD GRADES, BE GOOD AND EXERCISE!" No joke. Worked perfectly all three times.
• Tell them as often as possible and only when they have earned it "I am proud of you because you showed good judgment with that friend issue" And "nice job kid! This is why I trust you so much!" This is such a powerful thing to say. When you put that burden on a kid, they learn to protect it. The words "I trust you" is like crack for the soul. (Yeah, I said that). Conversely, I have on only a few occasions said to each of them. "I am very disappointed with you" I KNOW that cut like a fucking knife. We all know how that hurts. Get this balance right, and you have about half of parenting right there.
• From day 1, make sure you speak to them like an adult. They dial into you way more when they feel like they're being treated with respect. (In all fairness, this works with most people) You can be goofy, and goo goo gaga at them, but make your normal convos the same as you talk with any adult. They will feel it.
• Have the sex convo the first time they ask or show interest. All three of them came to me first about this topic, oddly. Give them the chat straight down the middle without hedging or humming. Answer like you're explaining how to change oil on a car. And then bring it up a time or two a year. We might see a movie where bad shit happens romantically, and I take the opportunity to say something like "THAT is why it is better to be married first" or "THAT is why I said to use protection" etc. Just comment and move along. This makes such discussion and topics somewhat natural when casually thrown in occasionally. So it becomes normal to discuss such things, and one day THEY start asking YOU questions. Who knew?

I could write a book. Not necessarily because I am a perfect Father, but because the lessons are myriad.

Things I think I got "wrong"

• I wish I didn't lose my temper the few times that I did. All I did was yell, but I never wanted my kids to see me lose my shit.
• I wish I had never divorced their mom. Yeah. That. I divorced for a complex set of reasons, but that was for ME. I could no longer tolerate the disrespect I was seeing increasingly. But divorce is bad for kids. She passed away about two years after divorce, so perhaps if I had just waiting.
• My humble (white trash-adjacent) upbringing comes out once in a while. Mainly in my crude sense of humor and pottymouth. I wish I could more easily rein that in. too late now I guess. But I wish I could have held that in more.

The Results (so far):

All three of my children are fucking rock stars. I am not joking.

• One son is getting a doctoral degree in robotics engineering (Ivy League Undergrad). Played HS football & LaCrosse, and has a charming personality. He is well over 6' tall and is remarkably handsome. Hold a black belt in Tae Kwon Do (I was not a fan, but he was into it).
• Other son is pursuing FinTech and just applied to one of the Ivies undergrad (he has a super good chance of getting in). Also 6', charming, handsome and perhaps the smartest of us all. Captain of his HS wrestling team and Ju Jitsu came naturally. He has had a few very attractive girlfriends. The kid is on another level across the board.
• My daughter is a super attractive young woman (over 18). To my knowledge, she is still a virgin. And yes, we talk about such things once in a while. She gets it. No nagging required. She is responsible, has good judgment in friends, and I cannot possibly overstate how good she is. When she was 9 (nine) years old, some of her work (fan fiction) published on Wattpad got tens of thousands of views - at NINE years old! Yes, you read that right.

How the hell are these even my kids!

(Ok, Ok. I know what wiseass comments are inbound. Then again, they do look like our old mailman. Hmmmm.... Anyhoo.)

The eldest regularly backs me up with the two younger ones. This matters a lot. He often says things when they don't think I'm listening, like: "Yeah dumbass, why do you think Dad is always saying that"

It's like an assistant father without expecting or planning it.

Finally, there is a BIG element of luck in all this. They had family around them when their mom died (many years ago). They also had their formative years being cuddled, spoiled, loved, fed, nurtured, and instilled with good values by their mom. She was truly a one in a million mother. Very sad and tragic she's not here to see them blossom in the way that they have.

Also very lucky, is the fact that their mom passed when they were all over the age of reason. I became their only parent juuust when kids need to shift from baby to adolescence; which is when they need their Father more. The timing could not possibly have been better (if I can even say such a thing). Any younger and they would not have that imprinting that a good mother provides. Any later and they would have been teenagers dealing with the death of their mom. Holy moly, one could say a lot about that right there.

Add to this - no angry arguing parents; no playing one parent off the other; no man-hating feminism bs; no arguing over custody; no power plays' no new boyfriends of mom to muck things up; and no awkward shared parenting mess.

Most importantly, I get the impression that they really like being with me and each other. We're very close and there is a lot of love in this house.

Their mother's death was a gift in a lot of ways. I know how controversial this is, but I stand by it. And I think they know it deep inside.

I hope this helps. I'll add more if I think of anything later.

Good luck fellow Dads.

Tip deeplydisturbed for their post.