Sexual attraction is binary. A woman is either sexually attracted to you, or she isn’t. There’s a little bit of a sliding scale. For example, some men are sexier than others, and if a woman has a choice between two attractive guys and all other things are equal, she’ll usually fuck the sexier guy. But for practical purposes, you’re either attractive, or you’re not. She either wants to have sex with you, based on her genuine desire, or she doesn’t.
Getting laid is also binary. You either have sex or you don’t. It doesn’t matter how good your conversation was or how deep your emotional connection was or how well you think you did at “almost” getting laid. You either had sex or you didn’t.
This means that there are four kinds of sexual encounters:
1- A woman is sexually attracted to you and has sex with you because she wants to. This is awesome. This can happen whether or not a woman actually likes you as a person. If you guys are emotionally close, madly in love, or whatever, that’s great. But women also feel sexual attraction for strangers at bars and go home with them sometimes, in the complete absence of emotional intimacy. Or have sex with their husbands/boyfriends, even though they’re fighting about something and don’t feel very close. Sexual attraction is completely independent from emotional intimacy. It’s great if both things are there, but they’re separate things. Despite what women will try to sell you, sex doesn’t depend on an emotional connection. A woman can be sexually attracted without emotional intimacy, and vice versa.
2- A woman is sexually attracted to you, but chooses not to have sex with you. This might happen because she thinks you’re an asshole, because she wants you to commit, because you’ve been fucking other women, because she’s not feeling emotionally close to you and wants you to perform in some manner for her, because she wants to “punish” you for something you did or didn’t do, or any number of other reasons. Women aren’t total slaves to their attraction – a woman can be attracted to you but still choose to refrain from sex. It’s not like women lack sexual opportunity and by giving up sex with you, they’ll never fuck again.
3- A woman is not sexually attracted to you, but chooses to have sex with you anyway. This is classic transactional sex. You’ve been a good boyfriend or husband, so she is having the requisite maintenance sex with you once every 4-6 weeks because she’s supposed to. Or you’re a nice guy who’s good to her and you make a lot of money, and she wants you to stick around, so even though she’s not that passionate about you, she’ll muster up the will to fuck you. Generally, a woman can be emotionally intimate with somebody, appreciate that closeness, and make herself have sex with him, even though she doesn’t really want to. Or it’s been awhile since you’ve had sex and she’s just sick of hearing you complain, so she puts out this time because it’s less annoying than fighting about it again. As with #2, women aren’t total slaves to their attraction – a woman can make herself have sex even if she’s not genuinely attracted.
4- A woman is not sexually attracted to you and turns you down because of this. This isn’t exactly awesome, but at least it’s honest, and it shows you that you have some work to do.
Obviously, while #1 is the ideal outcome for an encounter with a woman, a man following a Red Pill lifestyle should be perfectly okay with #2. If you’re generating sexual attraction in women, you’re going to have opportunities, even if not every woman fucks you every time. It is far, far better to be the attractive asshole who didn’t get laid this time than the unattractive chump who won’t get laid ever. That’s really the core of an abundance mentality. You don’t need to sweat it about any particular woman, because you are 100% confident that there will be others.
Besides, not every single woman on earth is a super-slut. Women have countless sexual opportunities. So some women are perfectly okay not having sex every single time they’re attracted, because they’re holding out for a guy with whom they also have emotional intimacy. Good for them. However, don’t confuse this (as they often do) with the idea that women need to feel emotional intimacy before they’re sexually attracted to someone. A woman’s sexual attraction is independent of her emotional intimacy. She just might choose to withhold sex (even though she’s attracted and kind of wants to fuck) until she’s comfortable with a guy, which is totally okay. Don’t fault women for this. Instead, learn game and how to build comfort, or at least the illusion of comfort.
A Red Pill man can even be okay with #4. It doesn’t matter what you look like or how you act. Not every woman is going to be sexually attracted to you. Obviously, more gym time, better clothes, a more interesting life, and better social skills will make you attractive to a larger portion of the women you meet, but it’s not realistic to expect 100% of women to want you.
And if you don’t look good yet, and your social skills still kind of suck, and your life isn’t in gear yet, you know who you are. And you know exactly what you can do to be more successful, more often, with more women. If you’re not happy with your current level of success, that just means you need to do more work. There is no substitute for real world experiences when it comes to telling you where you actually stand. Be thankful for this, not angry.
The area that no man should settle for, where men get fucked over the most, is category #3. Negotiating with a woman for transactional sex. Trading good behavior (e.g., dates, chores, and gifts), paychecks, emotional investment, and the like for the occasional reward of sex. Essentially, allowing yourself to be trained via intermittent reinforcement, like a dog. Trying to “earn” sex from a woman who doesn’t want to have sex with you, but tells you if only she felt more emotionally close to you (via good behavior, paychecks, and emotional investment), maybe she’d be more open to the idea of sex.
Remember, if a woman ever imposes rules or conditions on sex, makes you wait for sex, or makes you perform or behave a certain way (e.g., an unofficial payment or trade) for the sex, the sex is never worth what you’re going through.
Sticking with a woman in category #3 is essentially giving up. Committing yourself to the path of the loser who thinks he can’t do any better. Deciding that you will never be able to attract a woman who actually wants you, so instead, you’re going to double down and be a good little dog – the best little dog you can be – and subsist on the occasional, intermittent scraps of sex you’re given in exchange for pouring your life into a woman who is secretly repulsed by you doing so.
You are better off not having sex in category #2 or #4 than working yourself to the bone for reluctant transactional sex. Having no sex is better than having shitty transactional sex that you’re over-paying to get.
If you are in box #3 right now, you are operating at a net loss, and the longer you stay, the more bad money you throw after good. Cut your losses, sail away, and find a woman who actually wants you. There are over three billion of them out there. And if you’re not finding any you like, do the work. Hit the gym, excel professionally, up your social skills, develop an interesting life, and learn and practice game. Never settle.
Tip Archwinger for their post.