I was inspired today by our resident Superstar Gaylubeoil and decided that the new year is as good a time as any to try to make the world a better place.

In the womb, we’re all women for about 60 days. Boys are technically male on account of having a Y chromosome in the fertilizing sperm, but all babies follow the same developmental steps, regardless of sex, for the first two months. Male fetuses only begin developing male sex organs around the time that they’re exposed to a significant blast of testosterone.

Testosterone changes a whole lot of things for both sexes. It’s responsible for sex drive, developing muscle, growing hair, and hundreds of other bodily processes. The quantity of testosterone and other hormones in your body, versus the quantities of similar hormones in women, is arguably what makes you male.

Why are men physically stronger than women? Testosterone.

Why are men naturally more aggressive risk-takers? Testosterone.

Why are men more horny than women? Testosterone.

Even weak-ass loser men at the bottom of society who can’t get laid to save their lives are men, in their own way. They’ll throw themselves into college calculus, their cubicle IT and engineering jobs, their gaming, and their internet rants with more fire, aggression, passion, and risk than any woman. Why? Testosterone.

Why are men masculine? Why do men exhibit a collection of traits that have come to be known as “masculinity”? Testosterone.

When our modern feminine society goes to war against “toxic masculinity”, what society is really warring against isn’t bro culture. Society is at war against science. Chemistry. Society would prefer that men stop acting the way that their hormones drive them to act, and start acting the way that women act. Society wants to end the evil toxic patriarchal influence that chemistry has exerted on these poor, unfortunate men. Down with chemistry!

It will be another twenty years or so before young boys are force-fed drugs to curb their testosterone production to prevent them from becoming masculine men, all in the name of preventing rape, preventing violence, and improving their performance at school. Mark my words – that day is coming. But until then, the war is primarily ideological. It’s actually a bit of a religious war.

Society would have you believe, on faith, that science is a myth and chemistry doesn’t exist. That the only reason men and women are different is their upbringing. That the only reason masculinity even exists is because we live in an evil patriarchal society that teaches men to take risks, seek out sex, and involve themselves passionately in their hobbies and interests. To pursue power and success. That if we didn’t teach men these lessons (while simultaneously teaching girls to not do any of this), men and women would be completely identical.

That’s right. Men wouldn’t even miss sex or lament when they’re not having it, except for the fact that the evil patriarchy taught them that real men get laid. Men would openly be weak, timid, flee from risk like little children, and afraid of their own penis if only we would let them. The only reason any man, anywhere, acts even the slightest bit masculine is because our evil patriarchal society forces him to pretend to be something he’s not.

Society would have you believe that we’re all actually just like women inside, but we’re pretending we’re not because we’re afraid of being called gay. That masculinity is one big pretense. Society isn’t just warring against masculinity by telling you it’s wrong. Society advocates that masculinity doesn’t even exist. That it’s all one big game of make-believe men are playing so that other men don’t make fun of us. That we’re not really like this. That we’re really all just like women, who just happen to have a penis.

The current fashionable religion promoted by most of society is that science is the boss of everything. There is no God. We’re all animals. Everybody can and should be free to do anything he or she wants to do as long as we’re not hurting anybody, and nobody should ever judge anybody for anything. Society currently promotes the religion of hedonism and individuality. Do whatever makes you happy.

Except for sex. Then, down with science! Sex needs to be strictly regulated…for men. Women should be free to do whatever feels good. Whatever makes them happy. No judgment. No shame. They are beautiful and sexually desirable no matter how they look or act. There is no wrong way to be a woman. Women need to be encouraged to be happy however they want to live, whatever they choose.

But men need to be taught to control their sexual impulses (which, of course, are only present because of their upbringing and not evil, patriarchal chemistry). Taught not to rape. Taught about consent. Men need to learn to sit on their hands and wait to be chosen by women. Any woman, because they’re all valid women regardless of age, looks, or behavior. And the men who are never chosen need to be okay with that. Men need to be taught to be happy however women want to live, whatever women choose.

Is it any wonder that so many men channel their masculine energy into the internet? Video games? Fantasy sports?

Without masculinity, men are lost. They’re not men. They’re just boys. They’re flooded with testosterone, then told to be women. So they curb their risk-taking behavior and follow the more accepted, safe path to a stable future. They don’t compete. They don’t work out. They channel their sexual impulses toward porn and masturbation. They don’t chase women. They’re passive. They don’t hang out with bros from the gym or the frat and act traditionally manly. They hang out with other guys just like them and channel their aggression into gaming and watching sports.

Men aren’t really just like women, but we’re getting there. Society has successfully redirected male competitiveness and leadership from group-oriented roles to individual pursuits. Turned men from society’s leaders, innovators, and hardest workers into a bunch of video gamers and internet ranters.

And in twenty years, this won’t be an issue. Your eight-year-old sons will be given medication to reduce their testosterone to governmentally-approved levels that will limit their muscularity, curb their sexual impulses, and diminish their aggression and competitiveness. Because modern research will indicate that all of this testosterone in the bodies of losers who can’t get laid or amount to anything is making men unhappy. That more testosterone = more mental health issues, more rape, more violence, and worse performance in school. To help young boys out, society will, literally, turn them into women.

This coming year, make a resolution. Teach at least one other man how to be a man. A real one. Show him the real path to happiness. Embrace these evil, evil gender roles that society hates so much. And pass them on. It’s not about changing the world. It’s about spreading happiness and love. Teaching lost boys how to really be happy instead of allowing them to follow the teachings of a shitty society that’s at war with chemistry.

Tip Archwinger for their post.