Sit your fat ass down

-and welcome to the first installment of the Abusive Food Network™ where I share with you some healthy meals and snacks even you can put together without ruining your diet or breaking the bank. I'm your host, RedRum. Today, we will be making protein bars from your own kitchen since you love Monk Mode so goddamn much and you never leave the house, fucking loser. Without you wasting anymore of my time, let's pick out our healthy ingredients.

What you'll need:

1. 4 (or more) servings of Smucker's Natural Creamy Peanutbutter ($2.84)
2. 1/2 cup of natural honey ($5)
3. 1 serving of Quaker oatmeal = 1 packet ($20 for 52 packets or $0.38/packet)
4. 2.5 scoops of whey protein ($30) You should already be lifting and have this
5. 5 servings of Nestle's Dark chocolate chip morsels ($2.49)

I can't fucking rotate the picture on here.

This batch makes 14 bars and most of these ingredients can be reused for future batches tallying less than $0.765 per protein bar per batch. The good bars cost ~$3 in stores. That's a lot of money saved. $$$

Directions

First, grab a saucepan and set the stove setting to 3 or medium. Here's what a saucepan looks like you uncultured animal:

Don't forget to take the lid off first, genius. Fill the saucepan up with your 1/2 cups of honey and the 4+ servings of peanutbutter. I probably put 7 servings in mine because protein. Using a wooden spoon or plastic rubberized spatula, mix the ingredients until the mix is Keith stone smooth. Turn off the stove.

Pour the contents of the oatmeal packet and whey protein scoops into the mix. Use the spatula and mix all of it together. Be sure to get it mixed real good as the whey protein is flaky and doesn't want to mingle with the peanut-butter like your anti social ass. This part took me 5 minutes. I'm sure with a bit of elbow grease and a solid effort, it'll take you longer.

Once it's all mushed together, scoop it out into a glass pan or baking sheet. Put tin foil down first so you don't have to wash any dishes you lazy piece of shit.

Using only raw willpower, make the blob of nutrients resemble a square. Use the plastic spatula to iron out the top surface.

Fill your sauce pan with the chocolate chip morsels portions. Set the stove to be about a 2. Not too cold but hot enough to start melting the chips. The saucepan is a metaphor for how much self esteem you allow yourself to have. Most people have theirs filled to the brim. But just like your self worth, it should only be barely covered at the bottom with chocolate paste.

Pour the chocolate paste onto the protein bars. Cover the chocolate with the spatula. Pop the tray in the freezer for 30 - 60 minutes and cut them into 14 individual bars. Now you have an all-natural snack when you're rushing to work because you can't seem to get your shit together.

Nutritional Facts

The values may vary depending on the brand of ingredients you choose and I know my numbers are fairly close to accurate. Here are the nutritional values per bar.

There is sodium, <1g saturated fats, but they are small. Adding more peanut butter to the mix is almost a 1:1 ratio of protein to carbs but it will make the mixture thicker which may take more honey which adds sugars. Experiment with other ingredients and mix combinations to find what works for you. As a cheap and affordable snack on the go, this is a better deal and pretty damn tasty.

Next month we'll be making chicken stuffed with asparagus and rice. That's a metaphor for me fucking your girlfriend.

Until next time, I'm RedRum and this was Abusive Food Network™.