When I was young and naïve, I had a wish list of sorts for a future wife. It seems fairly common my teenage friends, male and female, would sometimes offer up an item or two from their own lists.
Of course, the teenage and early 20's version of me wanted things like, hot, nice hair, good in bed, easy to hang with, etc. But as I got older, the list became more serious, perhaps more mature, depending on how you view it. So it developed into the things I would hope for my woman to be, and do.
The list was something like this:
Yes, I know. This list is long. But trust me, it is far from comprehensive according to 19 year old me. For example, I do not expect my woman to do ironing, sewing or making clothing, arts and crafts, repairs of any kind, run social groups, or work outside the home, to name just a few of the myriad other "nice to have" competencies.
And while the list is long, most of the items on it are relatively basic features of a good parent or partner.
Where did I get this list, you may ask. I got it from watching the best women around me my whole life. Sure, I got a bit from TV and movies, but the absolute best women around me did these things and more. One never knows all the intimate details of the lives of those around us, but most of these things were on full display most of the time as a child growing up. To this day, most of the good women I know demonstrate most of these traits and behaviors. My ex-wife, in fact, nailed most of them on a daily basis for the better part of two decades - until she underwent her feminist "transformation."
Keep in mind that the phrase "....without complaining" is implied in all this.
Now, one would be reasonable in asking, Yeah, but what about YOUR contributions! And that would indeed be a fair question. And to that I would say, most of the same things PLUS everything else - repairs, outdoor maintenance, heavy lifting, long term vision and goals, family finances, home and personal security, and a long list of other male-oriented responsibilities. Whether these things are fair or balanced can only be answered by those who must balance them.
So I then focused almost exclusively on character traits (assuming the initial attraction was there). I also focused like a laser on her behaviors - words have come to mean very little to me over time. How a woman acts, holds herself, and behaves, and the routines she follows are far more telling than anything she can say. So I watched this like a hawk - mainly for consistency and congruence with what she claimed.
And as I went down this list, I found that the few women I dated were basically incompetent. I do not intend this to come across as an insult; this is just a straight up evaluation, like one would do with a job candidate. because post-divorce, that's exactly how I viewed the dating process - like vetting for competence and agreeableness. After all, who wants to work with or for someone who is incompetent AND disagreeable? This is just common sense, and any pushback usually comes from women, who feel that relationships should not be viewed as a transaction. Besides, what gives a man the right to expect a woman to do ANYTHING for him. It is HE who should be vetted. And to that second point, I would say, I agree. Men should indeed be vetted in the same way.
Fast forward a few years after this list was developed, and, well, let's just say it wasn't going well. And I believe there are two main reasons for this.
1. My expectations were not that a woman be or do all of the things on my list, but it was hard not to notice when she was not or could not do a particular thing. That is unfair to any woman, but especially myself.
2. Women in the US are simply not raised to be good partners. They either learn OJT, or they don't develop in this way at all.
Either way, the list was not happening. All I could reasonably expect was to get "a bunch" of them. But what the hell does that even mean? Did I have a subset or priority items? Well, as it turns out I DID have a priority list. So I whittled it down. I will not keep repeating the list, but let's just say that it took about3-4 iterations of the list before I decided to come at it another way.
I can cook, clean, sew, do laundry, and every single item on my wish list. Would it be nice to have someone to help? Yes. But it is no longer necessary. In fact, I have come to the point that I don't want a woman to touch or do anything in my house. I feel this way because too many times I have been confronted by household politics. These two words should be antithetical to each other; but feminism begs to differ.
And because I refuse to have household chores held against me, as a sort of bean counting ledger balance, this leaves one, and only one thing on the list.
And as I explain in my piece On Intimacy, this does not mean simply sex. Because I can outsource that too. So in order for me to maintain a romantic relationship with a woman, I require Intimacy = Trust + Respect + Sexual chemistry. Without this sort of intimacy, the relationship is merely a friendship - or something else.
So, as you make your way through the dating wastelands, you should consider my words and be on the lookout for Intimacy. You are not likely ever going to reliably get ANYTHING on this list, but in the short run and the long run, Intimacy is all that really matters.
Becoming a single father was not by choice. My ex-wife passed away very suddenly a few years ago, leaving me with sole custody of our three children.
Throughout my life I had heard how “being a single parent is sooo hard” and “I never have time for myself”, etc. so my expectations were less than optimistic.
One could write a book about this easily. And while there is a lot emotional content behind this statement, I will focus here on the non-emotional administration and logistics aspects – because that’s what most people seem to struggle with.
Before I get started I must mention that I make an upper middle class living. I am not wealthy, but I am comfortable. It should also be noted that my children were out of diapers and could shower and dress by themselves when their mom died. These two factors cannot be ignored in my story, so I recognize that your mileage may vary with this advice.
Some time after her passing, when my mind became a bit clearer again, I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of writing (which is very much not my usual habit). There were no journals or diaries, just thoughts on paper. This helped clear my head and organize my thoughts more than I expected it would, so I recommend it highly when if your brain is on fire as mine was at the time.
Among the big epiphanies for me was this: Of all the things a woman can bring to a relationship, the only thing I cannot outsource is sexual intimacy. (More on that in a separate post)
**Almost every other single thing that a man used to depend on a woman to provide, can now be outsourced.**
For example:
Update: As of the updating of this post, I now have a woman who visits 3 times a week to cook in my house. The takeout thing was getting super expensive, especially with inflation. So she comes three nights a week, and cooks 5-6 days worth of meals. It is CHEAP! This woman has old school values, and really takes pride in her cooking. I see here smiling when my children are digging into her latest creation.
In addition
I have watched many videos in which women claim that men want to live in the 1950's. Yet, I have never heard a man say this. They also claim that men want a woman who is submissive. Respect to Fresh and Fit, but I am not looking for subservience - I am perfectly happy to have a reasonable woman. She can do and be whatever, as long as it is within reason, and she is NOT combative or naggy or complaining too much. If this is somehow linked to the 1950's then I stand corrected.
Since women seem to see household chores as some sort of slavery (literally women's words) when they are done in the context of a marriage or domestic partnership, why do this to them?
Just outsource them to women who WANT to do them. Hell, they advertise it and ask for the work! Just treat them with kindness, show appreciation, and pay them slightly more than they ask. It works like a charm.
(I always wonder how many of these women go home, too tired to take care of their own men)
Not only is it much less expensive and quarrelsome than being married, these service providers often do their respective jobs better, more efficiently, and with more courtesy and appreciation than any female romantic partner ever has. While I will refrain from delving into the emotional aspects, it should be noted that
In other words, I have effectively removed the politics from household chores.
Each year, I give a few of my service providers an annual tip (Garbage men, mailman, barber, and a few others). Last year, when my housekeeper opened the envelop, she nearly broke my neck with a hug! It was such a spontaneous, endearing moment that I still smile when I think about it. She was genuinely appreciative – and believe me, while the bonus was generous, it was not over the top by any means. I am not wealthy by any means.
Can you imagine giving your wife a few hundred dollars - or anything for that matter - for being good to you? The average American woman would likely take offense and would look up the monetary value of any gift so that she could use it as a cudgel. \
We are an easy family to get along with, care for, and deal with. So when these women provide us with a service they seem to genuinely appreciate having us as customers.
This stands in stark contrast to many of our experiences with wives and co-parents. In romantic relationships, there is often little-to-no appreciation; on the contrary, there is too often strife, anger, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, or open hostility.
But here we are.
The TL;DR is: Maintaining a household should not be an ongoing political battle. So if you can afford to outsource something then OUTSOURCE IT!
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This post is ultimately about finding ways to fill the spaces left by the women in our lives. Men are not wrong to wish for a helpmeet, partner, wife, mother, housekeeper, co-parent or just someone to lend a helping hand. It is simply not reasonable to expect such things these days, as most women have completely rejected that role in today's society.
It is best for each of us to come to terms with this as soon as possible, and to start thinking about how to most efficiently get the mundane work done so we can spend more time being good fathers, make more money, build wealth, and to enjoy the finer things in life.
And let's be honest. This would not be possible without feminism. So shout out to feminism.